Still so unsure

Jaselynne's school paper she brought home the other day.
Dad, Kaylin, Jayda, John, Jase, and Mom.

John and Kaylin are still such a prominent part of everyday life yet we can't see them, talk to them, kiss them, hug them, or play with them. We can only miss them, talk about them and pray for them. And we do all of those things constantly.

A typical day involves an "I hope we see John and Kaylin today" a "Do you think they will be at Wal-mart when we go" an "I can't believe Kaylin is in Preschool, what a big girl"(my favorite, Jase is so cute), and prayers at night "Dear Heavenly Father, I wish John and Kaylin still lived with us." When the girls say these things it breaks my heart. I think of all these things plus a lot more but it sounds so much worse out loud and from my children.

I have had this post in limbo for days and have deleted almost everything I have written. I don't want this to be a pity post and I keep changing my mind about what I should write. I don't want this to be a post of anger. I don't want this to be a post of hurt. But it is.

I decided since this blog is my journal and my scrapbook all in one, what a better place to keep letters to them. So bare with me as I will only do this one time. I want these not only for me and the family but just in case John and Kaylin ever want to find us. So here goes.

Dear Johnathon, My Johnny Boy, My buddy, My duder,

I love you. I love you and miss you so much. You are my boy and I am so sorry if you feel I let you down. I am hoping when you are older we can talk to you and explain certain things. This whole thing is not your fault and I'm sorry you have had to go through it. I know all these things will make you strong because you are such a strong boy already. You are so sweet and caring and I love how much you care for Kaylin. You are a smart boy and love school. You are so good at hugs and kisses and the best cleaner upper ever!! You fit into our family so well. I pray every day that you have found your forever family and that you will be happy. I miss you Johnathon. We all do and we will.

Dear Kaylin, My Kaylinee Renae, My booger butt, My snots,

I love you. I miss you. My heart is broken everyday I wake up and you are not here. I am sorry. I to hope if you want to find us-you will-so I can tell you everything I know. We have so many memories to share and pictures to show. You are my girl and I will never ever forget your beautiful smile and your mischievous grin. You are such a smartie and knew how to figure things out. You are the best at having fun and are such a good singer and dancer. You will be a good leader and I know you will become whatever you put your mind to. You are my heart My Kaylin and I miss you terribly. I am so glad you are with Johnathon and pray every day about you and John and your family. I love you Kaylin, forever and ever.