Warning-this is a sad post.

Well, since most of the family knows now I can blog about it and I'll just put it out there. John and Kaylin will no longer be living with us. Their last day is this next Saturday and they are only off and on here until then. I can't and don't want to get into details (to Seans friends-don't let all of Sean's lame excuses fool ya, he can't and won't get into it either and ignore his nervous chuckle too). Not only because legally I can't but because of respect for my children. Yes, I will always think of them as my children. No matter where they go, what they do, or how they feel about me, they will always have a place in my heart as my kids. I just won't be able to call them that. And I don't think I'm out of the normal realm because I read stories all the time about foster parents feeling that way. We know the family they are going to live with and I think that will make it a little easier. Definately for John! He can go to the same school, the same counselor, they even go to our church (different ward and time but same building). Johnathon's counselor wants us to have no contact with them for a period of time after the transition and that's going to be super hard but I am going to do everything in my power to make this next move work! I want the best for these kids and as hard as it has been and will be I am now on the back burner and am not totally ok with it yet but I'm getting there. I have shed quite a few tears this last week (sorry about the awkwardness Kelley!) but I can't deny the spirit I have felt about everything being ok. Now, if I can just get my heart to believe it. This has been a terribly hard experience but if it gets John and Kaylin a good, stable, permanent family then it was worth it! We have had them for 2 years. We are the only "real" family they have known and I know these next few years will be incredibly hard (trust me I know) but I hope their future holds hugs, kisses, and a good solid chance at a forever family. No pressure for the family right! It will be a long, long time (if ever) that we do this again. It took it's toll on us and Jase and Jayda. We will never look at the system, birth moms/families, or us for that matter, the same again. This has brought out the worst in us but also the best. Everyone involved is nervous and scared (understandably) but I remind myself it's the journey AND the destination! I love John and Kaylin and as I write this crying all over the keyboard I am happy because I really do feel we got them right were they needed to go. I have a hunch there was a bigger hand in it. Again, I just need to remind my heart of that.